Bible Bitches! Roast of the Bible B****: Harper Valley, Meet Your Messiah Featuring Colonel Mustard, the Common Sense Guy

Roast of the Bible B****: Harper Valley, Meet Your Messiah

Featuring Colonel Mustard, the Common Sense Guy

Spotlight on Harper Valley, where the world’s caving in, but the real emergency is that Jesus just returned—and, plot twist, she’s a woman. The Second Coming is strutting in a pantsuit, not a robe, and the Bible B****** are losing their collective minds. Apparently, the only thing holier than thou is a Y chromosome.

Enter Colonel Mustard, the Common Sense Guy—mustard-yellow suit, monocle gleaming, and a clue card in hand. He steps up to the pulpit, eyebrow raised, ready to referee the circus.

“Let’s review, folks,” Colonel Mustard booms. “The planet’s collapsing under a government-run trafficking ring so deep, even the mole people are filing complaints. Tunnels everywhere—call it the Subway of Sodom. But what’s the headline?”

He flashes a card:

‘BREAKING: Jesus Returns! World Panics Over Lack of Holy Sausage.’

Karen from the PTA clutches her pearls. “But Pastor, how can she be the Savior if she can’t even write her name in the snow?”

Colonel Mustard sighs, “Ma’am, if salvation depended on snow-writing, half the world would be damned every summer.”

He turns to the crowd, voice dry as communion wafers. “Let’s be honest, the Bible B****** have always been more interested in what’s under the robe than what’s in the heart. They’d rather debate circumcision than stop the circumvention of justice. ‘We’re not sexist, we just think God prefers a good ol’ boys’ club. You know, like the Senate.’”

Jesus, unbothered, says, “Maybe focus on the children being trafficked instead of my anatomy?”

Colonel Mustard nods, “Priorities, people! If hypocrisy were wine, you’d all be hammered at the Last Supper.”

He flips another clue card: “Sorry, honey, we spent your name money on a golden toilet for the governor’s mansion.”

Colonel Mustard steps forward, monocle glinting. “So here’s the punchline: Your world’s about to cave in, and you’re worried about what’s between the Savior’s legs. Maybe the real Second Coming is when you finally pull your heads out of your own tunnels.”

Closing Zinger:

He raises his clue card: “Bible B****, when you’re done measuring salvation with a ruler, maybe you’ll notice the world’s burning down around you. At least you’ll have something to hold onto while the tunnels cave in.”

Harper Valley, meet your Messiah—and meet Colonel Mustard, handing out clues like communion wafers, reminding you that common sense is the real miracle you’ve been praying for.