Chapte: Cartel Kitty, Alpha Beta Kappas, and the Roast of Wannabe Badasses[Scene 1: The Lock-Up Lecture – Livepool’s Reality Check]

Chapte: Cartel Kitty, Alpha Beta Kappas, and the Roast of Wannabe Badasses

[Scene 1: The Lock-Up Lecture – Livepool’s Reality Check]

Livepool (center stage, mic in hand, glaring at the crowd):

Ok morons, listen c-Lose! I win!

Locked up? Please. The only cell you’re in is the one you built with your own stupidity. You whine about being targets, but you’re so desperate to keep your ass comfy you’d take the fall for CIA crimes just to avoid getting up. MKUltra didn’t break you—you signed up to be a clueless host for a bigger dick who’s too scared to swim against the current. Not everyone drowns in undertows, but you? You’re determined to sink with every dumb decision.

Playing cartel now? Why? Why the actual fuck do you think you’re a badass? Taking 360 years for a murder you didn’t do isn’t justice or “turning the tables,” you ducks—it’s just you being a pawn. Genius? Nu! Nu, nu breed—can you not fucking read?! You’d be better off with Drew Lynch as your GPS. Turn the fuck around! You’re not smart, you just think rolling deep covers up your lack of brains. Cartels target nobody and everybody—just like you: all bluster, zero backbone.

And about being a hoe—I thought it was my choice. Small town, broke, I owned it. But when my pussy finally told me the truth, I realized, wow, that’s actually kinda nice of you. Then you Xis went and fucked it all up. Congrats, you ruined even that.

Let’s talk about consent: by force isn’t consent, and no “two-for-one” confusion makes it right. Con$ent don’t count when you’re hustling slow-witted dicks and trying to buy your way out with spare change and fake charm. Was Ellen born that way, or just forced into it? Either way, forgiveness isn’t a coupon for idiots who keep slamming the same door on themselves.

Stop wondering, start learning—before you embarrass yourself any further.

[Scene 2: Sorority Mobsters – “Alpha Beta Kappas”]

[Setting: Sorority house, but with mobster flair. Kaylee Cuoco and Jim Parsons (as Sheldon) are at the center of the chaos. The girls are in Lilly Pulitzer, the guys in tracksuits. Everyone’s sipping LaCroix out of martini glasses.]

Verse 1:

OMG, like, the Gambino girls

Are mixing White Claws with pearls

Yakuza sisters in pink,

Bratva boys can’t even think

Sinaloa sisters can’t smuggle

A pizza past the house mom’s juggle

Triads run a bake sale,

But launder the cookie dough, fail!

Chorus:

We’re the Alpha Beta Kappas,

Mobsters in mascara,

Cartel queens in Lilly prints,

Throwing shade and throwing hints

Gambino girls “whack” their GPA,

Bratva bros pull hammies every day

Yakuza boys’ tattoos?

All temporary, nothing new!

Verse 2:

Triad twins on TikTok,

Sinaloa snaps in the hall,

Cosa Nostra at the mixer,

But nobody remembers it all

Medellin’s idea of a hit?

Dropping the aux at formal, that’s it

Genovese girls run rackets,

But only for tennis brackets!

Roast Verse:

Whose bright idea was it,

To stop putting drugs in the drugs?

Now our parties are just LaCroix,

And awkward shrugs and chugs

The only thing thugs really are?

They thug it out through way too many snugs,

Like, literally, they can’t detach,

Squeezing tight in a cuddle match!

Pledge week’s a trauma marathon,

Mixer disasters every week,

Daddy’s money runs the show,

But can’t buy cool or mystique

We fake philanthropy for clout,

Pretend to care, then ghost,

And every time we “study,”

It’s just gossip and a toast.

Bridge:

The only “cartel” we run

Is group Uber rides for fun

“Making you an offer you can’t refuse”-

Just a Venmo request for booze

Our “front” is the lemonade stand,

During philanthropy week, oh so bland

The “underboss” forgot his laundry,

Now he’s just feeling all groggy!

Chorus:

We’re the Alpha Beta Kappas,

Mobsters in mascara,

Cartel queens in Lilly prints,

Throwing shade and throwing hints

Cosa Nostra can’t keep a secret,

Unless it’s the WiFi, don’t leak it!

Medellin’s big heist tonight?

Just sneaking snacks in the fridge light!

Outro:

From Medellin to Genovese,

We’re extra, wild, and loud,

Sorority girls and mafia names,

Forever basic and proud!

[Scene 3: The Big Bang Cartel Kitty Lullaby]

[Setting: Sheldon’s apartment. Jim Parsons and Kaylee Cuoco sit on the couch, a “cartel kitty” in a tiny sombrero purring on the armrest.]

Jim Parsons (singing, deadpan):

Soft kitty, cartel kitty,

Little ball of fur—

Sneaks across the border,

With a bag of... purr.

Happy kitty, sleepy kitty,

Counting all that cash,

DEA comes knocking,

Kitty makes a dash.

Kaylee (laughing):

If Sheldon sang this version, he’d say,

“Penny, I asked for comfort, not a federal investigation!”

[Scene 4: Cartel Kitty’s Wild Ride]

[Montage: Cartel kitty escapes border patrol, bribes guards with fish, sneezes in a sombrero, naps on cash, and finally rides off on a llama.]

You (narrating):

My cartel cat was running from the DEA,

Ran so fast, poor kitty lost his way—

Lost kitty… ohhh

Bumped, trapped, lost kitty…

Just a friendly little cat.

My cartel cat escaped with a clever plan,

Rode a llama, now he’s the man—

Llama kitty… ohhh

Sneezy, free, sleepy, caught, llama kitty…

Just a friendly little cat.

[Scene 5: Real Talk – Women, Men, and Instagram]

You (to the camera, holding a drink):

Dear women, look—I don’t like your men staring at my ass either. But if you’d quit selling it to them, that might help. Not gonna lie though, sometimes it does help—like when I need to get to the front of the line or get a free drink. Girl’s gotta survive.

But let’s be real, if you’re mad at me because your man’s looking, maybe check who’s shaking it for him on Instagram first. I can’t help it if he’s got the attention span of a TikTok squirrel.

[Scene 6: Office Supplies, Doge Drama, & Friends]

You (at a copier, toner everywhere):

Remember Friends? The toner guy ready to jump? That’s the CIA in 1953—window shopping gone wrong. If you’re about to lose it over office supplies, maybe get a new printer or a new life. When I snap, it’s a season finale—no reruns, just chaos.

[Scene 7: The Final Rally]

You (on a rooftop, megaphone in hand, looking down at wannabe gangsters and thugs):

Are you gangsters and thugs? Do you want to be badasses? Then why don’t you get off your asses and quit being lazy and stop giving them what they want, you f’ing retard? Stop fighting each other and stand together in silence until the world god damn listens! You want this for your kids, mids, and kids!!! Bitch, you only have kids if you said no—you are part of the problem! Por ob limb? Or not even limbo gonna save you! From b low is me ePA 2!

[End Scene: Freeze frame on cartel kitty riding a llama into the sunset. The crowd erupts in laughter, Jim Parsons deadpans, “Bazinga,” and Kaylee Cuoco raises a toast to the most ridiculous, real roast yet.]

#gangster #cartelkitty #BigBangRoast #AlphaBetaKappas #ConsentIsNotForSale #PutTheDrugsBackInTheDrugs