okay at least the kids are telling the truth!

Kids Tell the Ugly Truth

Episode Template: “Cards Against Humanity—291 Edition”

Preface

Every episode starts with a wild, weird, or awkward fill-in-the-blank question straight from the Cards Against Humanity playbook. Then we let four generations of kids loose on it—because the ugly truth is, nobody tells it like a kid. Will they play it by the rules, go full outlaw, or just make us laugh until we snort milk out our noses? Let’s find out!

Show Introduction

[Set is decked out with giant CAH cards, spinning wheel, and the “Truth-O-Meter.” Tiffany enters, grinning, holding a card labeled “291.”]

Tiffany Haddish:

“Welcome to ‘Kids Tell the Ugly Truth!’ Every episode, we take a question inspired by Cards Against Humanity—tonight, it’s number 291—and see how kids of all ages would handle it. Will they go government, humanity, cartel, or Karen/Kevin? And what’s the ugly truth behind their answer? Let’s get started!”

Tonight’s CAH Question:

“When I grow up, I want to be __________.”

Toddler (3-4 years old):

Answer: “A dinosaur doctor!”

Government (CAE): “Go to school every day and listen to the teacher.”

Humanity (CAH): “Help all the dinosaurs feel better and give them hugs.”

Cartel (CAR): “Skip school and just play with dinosaurs in the backyard.”

Karen/Kevin: “Tell everyone they’re wrong and only I can be a dinosaur doctor.”

CAR Tell Me: “Roar really loud and run in circles—maybe no one will notice I’m not a real doctor yet.”

Middle Kid (5-9 years old):

Answer: “The boss of candy.”

Government (CAE): “Make candy rules and only eat sweets after dinner.”

Humanity (CAH): “Share candy with everyone—even the teachers.”

Cartel (CAR): “Hide candy in my desk and sell it at recess.”

Karen/Kevin: “Complain if someone else gets more candy than me.”

CAR Tell Me: “Eat all the candy before anyone finds my stash.”

Preteen (10-12 years old):

Answer: “A YouTube star who plays video games.”

Government (CAE): “Make a schedule, do homework first, then stream.”

Humanity (CAH): “Use my channel to raise money for animal shelters.”

Cartel (CAR): “Stream all night, skip homework, and hope my parents don’t notice.”

Karen/Kevin: “Complain about slow WiFi and blame my siblings.”

CAR Tell Me: “Go viral, then disappear when chores need to be done.”

Teenager (13-17 years old):

Answer: “Rich and famous for doing nothing.”

Government (CAE): “Get good grades, apply to college, and hope for a reality show deal.”

Humanity (CAH): “Use my fame to help people and start a charity.”

Cartel (CAR): “Fake it till I make it—Instagram filters and all.”

Karen/Kevin: “Rant online about how hard it is to be famous before I’m even famous.”

CAR Tell Me: “Move to Hollywood, ghost my parents, and hope for the best.”

Wildcard Round

Tiffany:

“Wildcard! If you could make up any job in the world, what would it be?”

Toddler:

“Professional bubble-popper!”

Middle Kid:

“Chief ice-cream taster.”

Preteen:

“Official meme creator for the White House.”

Teenager:

“CEO of sleeping in.”

Tiffany’s Take

Tiffany:

“See, y’all, every generation’s got a dream—and an escape plan! Whether you’re healing dinosaurs, running a candy cartel, or just trying to get famous for napping, the ugly truth is: you do you, boo. And if you ever need a dinosaur doctor, you know who to call!”

End-of-Episode Credit

Tiffany (on screen):

“Thanks for dreaming big with us on ‘Kids Tell the Ugly Truth.’ I’m Tiffany Haddish. For more laughs, wisdom, and wild career advice, visit tiffanyhaddish.com. See you next time—don’t forget to fill in the blank!”