Clue: in the room with the living and common sense before I get a gun or a wrench

Chapter: The Not Dating Game – “$69 Special: Livepool’s Auction House” [Scene: The Not Dating Game TV studio, blindingly bright and buzzing with chaos. The audience is a wild mix—government agents in sunglasses, nosy neighbors, senators nervously clutching foam baseball bats, and a few confused mascots. The set is decked out with a velvet-draped auction podium, a blinking sign that reads “$69 SPECIAL,” and a panel of “bachelors”: an IRS agent, a baseball umpire, a tinfoil-hat conspiracy theorist, and, to everyone’s delight, Mila Kunis. Congress sits at a long table, shuffling papers and sweating under the lights.] Livepool (grinning at the camera): Welcome, America, to the only show where the government’s obsession with my vagina finally gets the spotlight it deserves! That’s right—tonight, we’re putting it up for auction! Why? Because if Congress wants to sell it anyway, I might as well get the cash up front. $69 special, folks! If you’re gonna be nosy, at least make it lucrative. Rou...

Preface: Welcome to the Pool of Idiots (and Why “Bad” Means Better) Let’s get one thing straight before you dive in: around here, “bad” doesn’t mean what you think it means. Forget the Hollywood version, where “bad” is all about breaking rules for the sake of a laugh. In this story, being a “bad mom” means being better at decisions—der. It’s about outsmarting the chaos, seeing through the nonsense, and making the kind of calls that leave everyone else scrambling to keep up. Also, if you hear someone say they’re a “Stan” for something, don’t think it’s just a weird nickname. It means strength in numbers—a squad, a tribe, a pack of people who have your back when the world’s trying to drown you in nonsense. And let’s be clear: unlike Deadpool, I’m not here to drag you through a maze of fourth-wall-breaking nonsense before I get to the point. I’m tired of idiots, tired of the runaround, and tired of watching people pretend they don’t see what’s right in front of them. So here’s what we’re ...

Chapte: Cartel Kitty, Alpha Beta Kappas, and the Roast of Wannabe Badasses [Scene 1: The Lock-Up Lecture – Livepool’s Reality Check] Livepool (center stage, mic in hand, glaring at the crowd): Ok morons, listen c-Lose! I win! Locked up? Please. The only cell you’re in is the one you built with your own stupidity. You whine about being targets, but you’re so desperate to keep your ass comfy you’d take the fall for CIA crimes just to avoid getting up. MKUltra didn’t break you—you signed up to be a clueless host for a bigger dick who’s too scared to swim against the current. Not everyone drowns in undertows, but you? You’re determined to sink with every dumb decision. Playing cartel now? Why? Why the actual fuck do you think you’re a badass? Taking 360 years for a murder you didn’t do isn’t justice or “turning the tables,” you ducks—it’s just you being a pawn. Genius? Nu! Nu, nu breed—can you not fucking read?! You’d be better off with Drew Lynch as your GPS. Turn the fuck around! You’re ...

For the Goshdang Love of 14 A Skit-Filled Musical Roast Featuring Colonel Mustard & Friends Welcome to the next wild ride in the “Colonel Mustard Get a Clue” series, where logic gets roasted, every punchline is a clue, and absurdity is the main act. Our cast? Colonel Mustard—the clue-dropping, monocle-wearing champion of common sense; Livepool—your not-so-average antihero, ready to protect every kid’s “Area 51” from Interpol’s overreach; and a supporting crew of misfits, rhinos, and data mermaids, all here to lampoon the world’s most backwards logic. Scene: Cartel Coronation – “I Just Can’t Wait to Be Kingpin” [Setting: A warehouse-turned-cartel-palace, balloons and fake gold chains everywhere. Livepool struts in, crown askew, with Joe Santagato as your nervous consigliere. Colonel Mustard stands in the corner, arms crossed, eyebrow raised, clue card at the ready.] Livepool (singing, channeling pure bravado): I’m gonna be a mighty boss, so enemies beware! But every time the badges ...

Roast of the Bible B****: Harper Valley, Meet Your Messiah Featuring Colonel Mustard, the Common Sense Guy Spotlight on Harper Valley, where the world’s caving in, but the real emergency is that Jesus just returned—and, plot twist, she’s a woman. The Second Coming is strutting in a pantsuit, not a robe, and the Bible B****** are losing their collective minds. Apparently, the only thing holier than thou is a Y chromosome. Enter Colonel Mustard, the Common Sense Guy—mustard-yellow suit, monocle gleaming, and a clue card in hand. He steps up to the pulpit, eyebrow raised, ready to referee the circus. “Let’s review, folks,” Colonel Mustard booms. “The planet’s collapsing under a government-run trafficking ring so deep, even the mole people are filing complaints. Tunnels everywhere—call it the Subway of Sodom. But what’s the headline?” He flashes a card: ‘BREAKING: Jesus Returns! World Panics Over Lack of Holy Sausage.’ Karen from the PTA clutches her pearls. “But Pastor, how can she be the...

Kids Tell the Ugly Truth Episode Template: “Cards Against Humanity—291 Edition” Preface Every episode starts with a wild, weird, or awkward fill-in-the-blank question straight from the Cards Against Humanity playbook. Then we let four generations of kids loose on it—because the ugly truth is, nobody tells it like a kid. Will they play it by the rules, go full outlaw, or just make us laugh until we snort milk out our noses? Let’s find out! Show Introduction [Set is decked out with giant CAH cards, spinning wheel, and the “Truth-O-Meter.” Tiffany enters, grinning, holding a card labeled “291.”] Tiffany Haddish: “Welcome to ‘Kids Tell the Ugly Truth!’ Every episode, we take a question inspired by Cards Against Humanity—tonight, it’s number 291—and see how kids of all ages would handle it. Will they go government, humanity, cartel, or Karen/Kevin? And what’s the ugly truth behind their answer? Let’s get started!” Tonight’s CAH Question: “When I grow up, I want to be __________.” Toddler (3...